GOOP Detox Review

by Molly

In honor of the 84th Academy Awards, I decided to do a detox cleanse last week.  It was so much fun.

Lately I have been overindulging way too frequently.  I was dependent on having dessert with pretty much every meal of the day.  It’s like I had a calling to try ever non-chocolate dessert in the city or something.  I didn’t like it, I felt kind of gross, so I thought why not do something drastic to snap out of it?  And I thought it would be fun to suffer along with the best of Hollywood all week.

Here are the highlights:

  • It is supposed to last 7 days, I only made it 5.
  • I lost 6 pounds and haven’t gained any back yet.
  • I officially hate miso, pumpkin seeds, and sunflower seeds.

On to the recap:

Day one:  I was super late to work because I had to make all of my meals for the day, and it took way longer than anticipated.  Throughout the course of the day, I felt like everyone should feel bad for me.  I wasn’t pleased when they didn’t.  I was pretty grouchy, and felt hungry all of the time.  The salad that sounded so great earlier that morning made me nauseous half way through.   My saving grace was the afternoon dose of pumpkin and sunflower seeds.  I kept reminding myself that at least I was getting to eat solid food.  Things could be worse.  Once I got home I couldn’t make the broccoli arugula soup fast enough.  I have never once in my life drank a whole blender full of anything.  Even in college.   This is when the Rocky marathon was taking place, and I couldn’t have asked for a better way to mock myself.  The irony of me blending my soup as he cracked raw eggs into a glass was not lost on me.  I went to the gym and managed to not have a sugar drop.  When I got home, I cheated and had some blueberries microwaved for 30 seconds with almond milk because I wasn’t quite over my need of something sweet at night.

Day Two:  WHO DECIDES TO DO A CLEANSE ON FAT TUESDAY?!!??!!  Me, apparently.  I obviously paid no attention to this crucial day when calendaring this cleanse, but I had sacrificed so much already, so I decided to stay the course.  Being down 2 lbs already also helped with motivation.  I will admit, Jennifer (BFF from college turned co-worker) deciding to give up sugar for Lent didn’t help the cause.  Since she was eating everything sweet in sight, I was constantly reminded of how I wasn’t.   At one point, we went in to the kitchen at work to chat, and I lost my marbles.  It started innocently as I watched her pour a giant cup of coffee, then add milk and Splenda, then fill an entire cup with M&M’s to take back to her desk.  When she reached for the peanut butter, I actually doubled over because I thought I was going to vomit.  She looked at me, mildly annoyed I wasn’t giving her my full attention, and asked “why is your face all red?”  Probably because I was mentally seeing myself ripping the M&M’s and peanut butter from your hands and taking off for a dark corner.

After regaining composure, I went back to my desk and looked at pictures of beignets for probably 20 minutes.  Additionally, I had made plans to get lunch with my friend Lisa.  Poor thing,  she watched me eat a Greek salad without cheese or olives (essentially lettuce, tomato, and onion) without any dressing and didn’t ask a single question.  This is why we are friends.

Day Three:  Praise the Lord, I wasn’t painfully hungry any more.  I also was able to integrate a delightfully yummy solid food into my life:  oatmeal with almond milk.  I cheated and put cinnamon on top.  I think it was safe to cheat a little after the Fat Tuesday Freak Out.  I didn’t want to know what else I was capable of.   Either did my co-workers.   Terry has no idea how lucky he was to miss out on 90% of this cleanse with me.

On Day Three I also started to notice that I was treating everything I ate as a shot of Jagermeister.  I would just try to get it down as fast as possible without gagging.  I’m looking at you Pro Greens powder.  Yuck.  However, since I was down another 2 lbs, I was motivated to keep going.  I got through the day and was greatly rewarded with a yummy salmon dinner that night.  Note:  I kind of mixed up the days to fit my schedule.   I’m probably jacking with Gwynnie’s science, but at this point I don’t really care.

Terry did notice that I gave him the smaller piece of salmon, but he kindly (and wisely) did not comment on it until I mentioned it.  When I apologized for having to eat such a bland meal, he said “it’ll make a turd”.  He really is the funniest guy I know.

Day Four:  I want to quit.   I want to quit.  I WANT TO QUIT.   I had no energy to make the designated meals, and I was running out of ingredients.  Who goes through a half-gallon of almond milk in 3 days?!  I went to my local juicer, and had her blend me up some smoothies.  Armed with a lot of blended things and more oatmeal, I headed to work.  I was hungry the whole day, and choked down as many pumpkin and sunflower seeds as possible.   Everyone at work talks me out of quitting.  I go to boot camp and give a half ass attempt at the workout to avoid blacking out.  My trainer shakes her head at me.

I previously agreed to take my sister to Costco, so after my workout I go to pick her up.  She smells delicious.  She gets in the car and all I can do is talk about how good she smells.  She comments she was just cooking dinner, and then stares at me strangely.  I’ve failed to mention that I’m in the middle of a cleanse because I know she will tell me I’m an idiot.  She is probably right.  I pull myself together, so she won’t suspect anything.  We walk into Costco, and I channel every fiber of my will power.   The assignment was to build “goodie bags” filled with snacks.  Goodie indeed.  We walk up and down every single snack aisle looking for the perfect items in BULK sizes.  I still can’t believe I made it through that.   I took her home and helped her into her apartment.  The glorious smell hits me again, and I can’t get over it.  She finally asks me if I want her leftovers.  I slyly ask exactly what is in it.  When she tells me, I realize I can eat it!!  Bless her!  I ate half of the chicken breast before I even got home.    With my fingers.

Day Five: Again, I am unprepared because I’ve run out of all ingredients and had no energy to go to the store.  Amateur mistake.  So I go back to my juicer lady, and we talk about Woodstock as she blends me up my goods.  Like I know anything about Woodstock.   Whatever gets me the smoothie.  I feel pretty upbeat because I’m armed with the other half of Anna’s leftovers for lunch.  However, this “upbeat” feeling quickly fades by 1pm.   I’m simply famished and want to eat something, anything.  I go into the kitchen at work and just stare at everything for 15 minutes.  I go back and forth on how deli meat and peanut butter wouldn’t kill me.  I end up going back to my desk and eating those damn seeds again cursing processed food.  I’ve lost 6 lbs, so I keep telling myself I can’t give up yet.  Everyone at work tells me to stay strong, so I just get back to work and ignore the constant hunger pangs.  Later that day, I sit down to write a post, but something happened with my internet connection and it didn’t save or post.  I’m too hungry to focus on re-writing it, so I just go into Jen’s office and talk until I decide I should probably just head home for the day.  Gwyneth, you’ve broken me.

Terry and I end the day with dinner and a double feature.  He orders spaghetti (I truly think he was afraid to order pizza in front of me), and I eat a salad.  With olive oil and vinegar at least this time.  I’m so tired of being hungary that I cave and drink a glass of wine thinking it might help.  It doesn’t.  I just get kind of drunk really fast and sneak a tiny breadstick as we leave.  Shame!  Thus ends the cleanse, and I honestly couldn’t be happier.  However, my stomach hurt for the first time in 5 days.

Now that it is all behind me, I will admit I do feel much better.  Like a clean slate for my organs.  I’ve never felt this way after the many a “crash diet” I’ve done in the past.  And I’ve done several.  I’m sure if I would have just started eating like a healthy normal person, I probably would have felt better too.  I just liked the challenge of being extreme for a short while.  And the extreme results.  Even if feeling healthy and cleansed is all in my head, I still have the mantra “what would Gywneth do” to take away with me.   Kididng.  Although she did seem to have it all together in Tom Ford last night: