Can't Fit into My Mommy Genes

Month: February, 2012

Happy Leap Year

When I was younger, I was always so thankful my birthday wasn’t on leap year.  I know you get to celebrate on the 28th or whatever, but it really isn’t the same.  The concept of never really celebrating your birthday on the day you were born stresses me out.  It’s like you are somehow cheated of the one day that is really all about you.  That is just so unfair!

Considering we won’t have another one for something like 10 years (I think), I feel pretty lucky I might dodge having any children on February 29th.  Can you imagine the mother’s guilt associated with that oversight?  I guess these days you can ask for mercy and let your OBGYN induce you on the 28th, but either way I feel so much better not having to worry about it.

This might seem totally neurotic, but if the child shares my DNA they will thank me later.

Now I just have to worry about:

  • Christmas
  • My Birthday
  • Our wedding anniversary
  • New Year’s Eve
  • Valentine’s Day
  • Thanksgiving
  • The month of July (that’s my birthday month) and August (Houston summer. Self explanatory)

I don’t think I’m missing any right?  I don’t think Terry cares if he shares his birthday, but I’ll do my best to avoid it as well.

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GOOP Detox Review

In honor of the 84th Academy Awards, I decided to do a detox cleanse last week.  It was so much fun.

Lately I have been overindulging way too frequently.  I was dependent on having dessert with pretty much every meal of the day.  It’s like I had a calling to try ever non-chocolate dessert in the city or something.  I didn’t like it, I felt kind of gross, so I thought why not do something drastic to snap out of it?  And I thought it would be fun to suffer along with the best of Hollywood all week.

Here are the highlights:

  • It is supposed to last 7 days, I only made it 5.
  • I lost 6 pounds and haven’t gained any back yet.
  • I officially hate miso, pumpkin seeds, and sunflower seeds.

On to the recap:

Day one:  I was super late to work because I had to make all of my meals for the day, and it took way longer than anticipated.  Throughout the course of the day, I felt like everyone should feel bad for me.  I wasn’t pleased when they didn’t.  I was pretty grouchy, and felt hungry all of the time.  The salad that sounded so great earlier that morning made me nauseous half way through.   My saving grace was the afternoon dose of pumpkin and sunflower seeds.  I kept reminding myself that at least I was getting to eat solid food.  Things could be worse.  Once I got home I couldn’t make the broccoli arugula soup fast enough.  I have never once in my life drank a whole blender full of anything.  Even in college.   This is when the Rocky marathon was taking place, and I couldn’t have asked for a better way to mock myself.  The irony of me blending my soup as he cracked raw eggs into a glass was not lost on me.  I went to the gym and managed to not have a sugar drop.  When I got home, I cheated and had some blueberries microwaved for 30 seconds with almond milk because I wasn’t quite over my need of something sweet at night.

Day Two:  WHO DECIDES TO DO A CLEANSE ON FAT TUESDAY?!!??!!  Me, apparently.  I obviously paid no attention to this crucial day when calendaring this cleanse, but I had sacrificed so much already, so I decided to stay the course.  Being down 2 lbs already also helped with motivation.  I will admit, Jennifer (BFF from college turned co-worker) deciding to give up sugar for Lent didn’t help the cause.  Since she was eating everything sweet in sight, I was constantly reminded of how I wasn’t.   At one point, we went in to the kitchen at work to chat, and I lost my marbles.  It started innocently as I watched her pour a giant cup of coffee, then add milk and Splenda, then fill an entire cup with M&M’s to take back to her desk.  When she reached for the peanut butter, I actually doubled over because I thought I was going to vomit.  She looked at me, mildly annoyed I wasn’t giving her my full attention, and asked “why is your face all red?”  Probably because I was mentally seeing myself ripping the M&M’s and peanut butter from your hands and taking off for a dark corner.

After regaining composure, I went back to my desk and looked at pictures of beignets for probably 20 minutes.  Additionally, I had made plans to get lunch with my friend Lisa.  Poor thing,  she watched me eat a Greek salad without cheese or olives (essentially lettuce, tomato, and onion) without any dressing and didn’t ask a single question.  This is why we are friends.

Day Three:  Praise the Lord, I wasn’t painfully hungry any more.  I also was able to integrate a delightfully yummy solid food into my life:  oatmeal with almond milk.  I cheated and put cinnamon on top.  I think it was safe to cheat a little after the Fat Tuesday Freak Out.  I didn’t want to know what else I was capable of.   Either did my co-workers.   Terry has no idea how lucky he was to miss out on 90% of this cleanse with me.

On Day Three I also started to notice that I was treating everything I ate as a shot of Jagermeister.  I would just try to get it down as fast as possible without gagging.  I’m looking at you Pro Greens powder.  Yuck.  However, since I was down another 2 lbs, I was motivated to keep going.  I got through the day and was greatly rewarded with a yummy salmon dinner that night.  Note:  I kind of mixed up the days to fit my schedule.   I’m probably jacking with Gwynnie’s science, but at this point I don’t really care.

Terry did notice that I gave him the smaller piece of salmon, but he kindly (and wisely) did not comment on it until I mentioned it.  When I apologized for having to eat such a bland meal, he said “it’ll make a turd”.  He really is the funniest guy I know.

Day Four:  I want to quit.   I want to quit.  I WANT TO QUIT.   I had no energy to make the designated meals, and I was running out of ingredients.  Who goes through a half-gallon of almond milk in 3 days?!  I went to my local juicer, and had her blend me up some smoothies.  Armed with a lot of blended things and more oatmeal, I headed to work.  I was hungry the whole day, and choked down as many pumpkin and sunflower seeds as possible.   Everyone at work talks me out of quitting.  I go to boot camp and give a half ass attempt at the workout to avoid blacking out.  My trainer shakes her head at me.

I previously agreed to take my sister to Costco, so after my workout I go to pick her up.  She smells delicious.  She gets in the car and all I can do is talk about how good she smells.  She comments she was just cooking dinner, and then stares at me strangely.  I’ve failed to mention that I’m in the middle of a cleanse because I know she will tell me I’m an idiot.  She is probably right.  I pull myself together, so she won’t suspect anything.  We walk into Costco, and I channel every fiber of my will power.   The assignment was to build “goodie bags” filled with snacks.  Goodie indeed.  We walk up and down every single snack aisle looking for the perfect items in BULK sizes.  I still can’t believe I made it through that.   I took her home and helped her into her apartment.  The glorious smell hits me again, and I can’t get over it.  She finally asks me if I want her leftovers.  I slyly ask exactly what is in it.  When she tells me, I realize I can eat it!!  Bless her!  I ate half of the chicken breast before I even got home.    With my fingers.

Day Five: Again, I am unprepared because I’ve run out of all ingredients and had no energy to go to the store.  Amateur mistake.  So I go back to my juicer lady, and we talk about Woodstock as she blends me up my goods.  Like I know anything about Woodstock.   Whatever gets me the smoothie.  I feel pretty upbeat because I’m armed with the other half of Anna’s leftovers for lunch.  However, this “upbeat” feeling quickly fades by 1pm.   I’m simply famished and want to eat something, anything.  I go into the kitchen at work and just stare at everything for 15 minutes.  I go back and forth on how deli meat and peanut butter wouldn’t kill me.  I end up going back to my desk and eating those damn seeds again cursing processed food.  I’ve lost 6 lbs, so I keep telling myself I can’t give up yet.  Everyone at work tells me to stay strong, so I just get back to work and ignore the constant hunger pangs.  Later that day, I sit down to write a post, but something happened with my internet connection and it didn’t save or post.  I’m too hungry to focus on re-writing it, so I just go into Jen’s office and talk until I decide I should probably just head home for the day.  Gwyneth, you’ve broken me.

Terry and I end the day with dinner and a double feature.  He orders spaghetti (I truly think he was afraid to order pizza in front of me), and I eat a salad.  With olive oil and vinegar at least this time.  I’m so tired of being hungary that I cave and drink a glass of wine thinking it might help.  It doesn’t.  I just get kind of drunk really fast and sneak a tiny breadstick as we leave.  Shame!  Thus ends the cleanse, and I honestly couldn’t be happier.  However, my stomach hurt for the first time in 5 days.

Now that it is all behind me, I will admit I do feel much better.  Like a clean slate for my organs.  I’ve never felt this way after the many a “crash diet” I’ve done in the past.  And I’ve done several.  I’m sure if I would have just started eating like a healthy normal person, I probably would have felt better too.  I just liked the challenge of being extreme for a short while.  And the extreme results.  Even if feeling healthy and cleansed is all in my head, I still have the mantra “what would Gywneth do” to take away with me.   Kididng.  Although she did seem to have it all together in Tom Ford last night:

 

The Eye of The Tiger

Last night Uverse was restored in our home.   Shamefully I have to admit there wasn’t a problem with our Uverse service at all.  The problem turned out to be the main wire was slightly pulled out of the  outlet in the wall.  Terry discovered the problem, so we are still allowing Uverse to comp our bill with only the tiniest bit of guilt.

Since we had zero recorded TV (so sad!) to watch, we decided to see what was actually on  live TV.  I know, commercials are so 2001.  I ran upstairs to change clothes and when I came back down, Terry had settled on a Rocky marathon.  I practically ran down the stairs once I heard the theme song.

PS.  You should know I’m obsessed with Rocky.  I think they are the greatest movies ever and I don’t care who knows it. 

We watched most of Rocky II before I had to leave to meet my sister and trainer at the gym.  What better to get you motivated to work out than the Rocky theme song?  Well at least you would think that, but the truth is I didn’t want to leave Rock and Terry behind.  I felt like it was a rude thing to do to the Rocky Movie Marathon gods or something.  I like being periodically blessed with the marathons, and I don’t want that to go away!   As I was soaking in the last bit of Awesome vs. Apollo Creed, I told Terry I was only going to work out in all gray sweat suits and red bandanas until bikini season.

Hold the raw egg cocktail please.

When I got home, I was just in time to catch Rocky and Apollo headed of to California to train (and to prove Terry wrong, as he thought that happened in Rocky IV. Silly boy.) Watching all of them back to back only makes more obvious the plastic surgery Sly Stallone had between II and III.  I guess that is what it takes to get the eye of the tiger.  I wonder if you can request his nose job by addressing it as such?  ha kidding.

Fat Tuesday

Laissez les bons temps rouler!  Today is Mardi Gras for everyone below the Mason Dixon line.  Kidding, I know my peeps in St. Louis celebrate the day as well.

Even though I don’t have any real plans to celebrate tonight (yet), and I have not shipped myself a king cake from the greatest bakery ever, I still am excited about what the day represents.  Who doesn’t love a holiday centered around being naughty all the day long so that you can be really good for the next forty days.   That is pretty much just a Sunday night in my book.

Everyone at work today has been talking about what to give up.  I’m not a Catholic, so I don’t technically have to give anything up.  We protestants are way too chill for that kind of nonsense.  However; I’m not from Louisiana either, so I guess I just like pretending the whole way through.

Most of my friends are giving up sugar, so that would be the easiest thing to do.  Just jump on the band wagon and all suffer together.  Someone I know is giving up meat.  God love them.  Another friend of mine is taking up going to confession.  That makes everyone giving up sugar look like complete wussies, doesn’t it?

Since I recently had to rid my life of chocolate, my second cup of coffee, and fried food, I feel like my life is already one giant Lenten sacrifice.  Ok, so that was dramatic, but you could see how I don’t really want to get rid of anything else in my life.   I have to stare down boxes of thin mints every time I go get water from the kitchen at work.  That is not easy, people.  There is really no good girl scout cookie that doesn’t contain chocolate.  Trust me, I’ve tried them all.  Multiple times just to be sure.

Thus, I’m toying with the idea of taking something up.  Maybe a bible study?  Or maybe walking my dog, or practicing yoga on a weekly basis, or maybe just maybe I can start running again?   I can tell you one thing for certain:  I’m ordering that well deserved king cake for Easter.

What will you be doing for the next forty days?

Pregnancy in The Hills

I haven’t given celebrity stalking my full attention lately. And this is how I’m rewarded.

I can’t decide if I love it or hate it. What I do know, is that anyone who has dated Justin Bobby probably needs to detox for a few years before having children.

Can we also mention that she recently only became re-engaged to the father? If her publicist hasn’t told her yet, she should know this screams “we all know you quit taking your bc pills thinking you would trap him into marrying you”.

In other news, Terry and I spent the weekend mostly indoors since the weather was rainy. Between visits from the builder (we have a huge roof leak), visits from the Uverse technician (I HATE YOU UVERSE), and my silly work hours, we ate a lot food via delivery and rented a million movies through Terry’s X-Box. As a result, I have updated my “movies to see” list fairly substantially.

Sunday we had some early morning visitors. Drew, Lucy, and Hayes came by to visit while Maggie and Anna tackled a 12 mile run. I might have mentioned to Drew while in my groggy state that in the land of no kids, 8:15 was absurdly early on a Sunday to “hang out”. Even so, I was happy to see them, and I watched Thumbelina for the first time ever. Later that night, we had the privilege of attending the Houston Rodeo’s “Best Bite” Competition at this year’s Rodeo Uncorked event with my friend Rebecca and her family. It. Was. Awesome. Unlimited food and wine from the best restaurants in Houston, need I say more? I’m subsisting on smoothies and salad all day as a result.

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Update

I feel terribly guilty that I haven’t posted all week.   I keep trying to think of something fun to post, but I honestly don’t have that many exciting things happening to me right now due to my hectic work/no life balance.

Here are the high points for you:

  • I don’t even remember what I did Friday night.  I think sleep maybe?  I warned you this may not be exciting.
  • We made up for Friday on Saturday.  Terry and I did not set an alarm clock for the first time in a long time.  We slept in, shopped 19th street in the Heights, had lunch, and then I got a much needed workout in.  Later in the day we attended our nephew, Hayes’, first birthday party/happy hour.   It was the perfect way to celebrate this little stud.  You know you are cool when you are one year old and people join you for happy hour.   Instead of working like I thought I would after the party, I ended up going to dinner with my parents and Anna and consuming a lot of wine.   This is also the day we found out Whitney Houston died.  I was devastated.  Sure crack is wack, but her voice has been a favorite of mine for as long as I can remember.
  • Sunday I worked ALL day.  I wore my favorite baggy fleece pants and Uggs to work out of protest.   No one was actually there to see me, but somehow I still feel like I stuck it to the man.  Note:  I did still wear mascara, so I wasn’t a complete hobo.  Thankfully, I was able to shut down shop just in time for the Grammy’s.  Anna hosted us at her house for a delish dinner.   On my way home from work, I swung by to pick up Terry.  When he asked how far out I was, I just replied “be there in 2.  and bring the box of wine.”  Good thing because the Grammy’s were pretty lacking this year.
  • Monday I worked until midnight.   Stop being so jealous of my job.
  • Tuesday turned out to be probably my favorite Valentine’s day ever.  I’ll be honest, I’ve never had a bad one just because I love the idea of a day centered around flowers, hearts, and the color pink, but this one just seemed to be the most special for a number of reasons.  Terry sent me a gorgeous bouquet at work.  I know it is a Hallmark holiday, but I still love that he sends me flowers and makes a big deal out of it for me.  He also cooked me a wonderful dinner paired with two outstanding wines that he had picked out (they were bottled – we church it up for special occasions).  At the end of the night, we decided to pick up dessert from one of our favorite restaurants.  Thankfully it is just down the street, as we probably shouldn’t have been operating motor vehicles after all that wine.
  • Wednesday I woke up wearing the same shirt I wore Tuesday.

That brings us to today.  So far so good.  Although, I did just eat a cupcake that has been sitting out for four days.  My how my standards have fallen.

Starry Night Ball

Last night The Junior League of Houston hosted the preview party for their 64th Annual Charity Ball.  The theme was Starry Night, and I had the pleasure of attending with my co-workers and some really fun clients of our firm.

I had absolutely no time for said party, but I didn’t want to miss out.  Plus I’ve been dying to wear my seamed pantyhose.  It’s really a shame you can’t see them in this picture!  And when your boss is the one asking you to come, you can’t really use the ole  “I’m really busy at work” excuse.  This week has been mildly awful in terms of learning to balance my new role as a tax accountant and all of the other things I love in life.  So far this is what my list of priorities have been:

  1. Work
  2. Downton Abbey (we are 3 episodes away from being completely caught up!)
  3.  The gym
  4. Sleep
  5. Over eating because I feel I deserve it
  6. Keeping in touch with friends/family
  7. Le blog.

I’m sad that this post ranked so low on the list.  I’ll work harder to erase #5 and fill it with #7.  If it makes anyone feel better, I have my hair in a greasy pony tail today in an effort to make more time to write.   Was that an overshare?  And it probably doesn’t make anyone feel better.  Well it is the truth, so I’m not editing it out.

The good news it that I’m almost caught up at work, and I don’t have many plans for the weekend.  Maybe Monday will bring a more organized Molly.

Have a great weekend!  Send your accountant your W-2’s!

 

There Are So Many Ways To Cook Red Potatoes

My sister and I share a personal training session every other week.  I sometimes feel guilty spending that little extra money on myself, but at the end of the day I manage to stay convinced that if you can’t invest in yourself, what can you invest in?

Of course our trainer, Candace, is the most perfect human specimen on the planet.  She manages to look so feminine, but at the same time shows not one ounce of body fat.   Anna and I love her.  She is always happy (it is unnatural for that early in the morning) and displays great kindness as you struggle to finish your last reps.  Let me define this kindness:  basically, instead of letting me quit, she just tells me sweetly “you’ll do 5 more”.  It is almost freakish the way she summons you to do something you really don’t want to (or feel like you can) do so nicely.   Perhaps she is a Fembot?

About a month or so ago, Candace gave me a “diet” to follow.  I asked her what she ate every day out of sheer curiosity.  She sent me the following:

Meal 1

4 egg whites, 4 oz spinach, 1 tbsp salsa, 1 tbsp udo’s oil

Meal 2

Scoop pro v 60 protein

Meal 3

4 oz extra lean 99% fat free turkey, 4 oz red potatoes, 1 tbsp salsa

Meal 4

4 oz tuna, 4 oz asparagus, 1 tbsp salsa, or 1 tsp mustard

Meal 5

1 scoop pro v 60 protein

Meal 6

4 oz romaine, 4 oz white fish or extra lean turkey,  1 tbsp udo’s oil,  1 tsp apple cider vinegar,  2 oz cucumber

I thought my phone was broken because I kept scrolling and nothing happened after Meal 6.   It took me all of 15 seconds to realize I wasn’t cut out for this type of commitment.  And then I honestly kind of removed the whole experience from my brain.    Come on, is 3 oz of cucumber really too much?

So last night we had our bi-weekly session, and she asks me how the diet is going.

Shamefully I lied and said “great!”.  Then I cautiously asked her if she seriously ate the same thing every day.  I pretended like that was the most challenging part for me.  She bought it and said “oh but there are so many ways to cook the red potatoes!”

Are there? ARE THERE?

Since I’m no stranger to a little white lie, I kept the story going.  I still don’t know why I didn’t just come clean in the first place.  You know how it is when you don’t want to hurt people’s feelings and what not.  I knew she would wonder after some period of time why I wasn’t losing any weight.  So I told her how everything was going well until I ate batches (yes plural) of cookies during the Super Bowl.   Honestly, who knew that Eli Manning’s favorite lace cookies would soon become everyone’s favorite cookie?!  They are strangely addicting.  I was just trying to be a cute hostess.

She recommended I eat a little more of Udo’s Oil to maybe curb cravings.

Oh yeah, like that will do the trick.  I’m really just plain flattered she thinks I have what it takes to be a Fembot too.

Super Sunday Indeed

Super Bowl Weekend is upon us.

Is it completely terrible that I just learned which two teams are playing this week?   Let’s be honest, I’m only really watching for three reasons this year:

  1. This
  2. This
  3. and This

I thought I would also be making the most epic love match of the century, but one of the guests of honor can’t make it.  Blast!   Is a Valentine’s Day party too awkward to try the set up again?  I think maybe.  I’ll have to wait until Mardi Gras.

Confession: I’ve been incredibly disorganized when it comes to hosting this little get together.  I haven’t really planned anything to eat or cleaned my house.  I didn’t send out an evite or any written form of invitation.  It has all been word of mouth.  To my chagrin, it hasn’t had the speakeasy effect I thought it would.  Thankfully, I still have a few days, so I’m not that worried.  Thank God for Pinterest.

Also as a result of my disorganiztaion, I have managed to invite mostly girls.  Poor Terry is going to be rewinding for  us to study cutaways to Giselle and the Kardashians.  What else is new? Maybe we can make a drinking game out of it, and then he won’t mind.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

 

Downton Abbey

Is my new obsession.

I’ve had several friends recommend that I start watching.  Given my obsession with all things British, I wasn’t surprised by the suggestions.  I anticipated the show would be good, but what I didn’t anticipate are the following:

  • It’s on PBS!!  Titled under “Masterpiece Theater” (for when you try to record it).  Who doesn’t love Masterpiece Theater?  It brought back many a fond memory from 5th grade video in class day.
  • I find myself speaking in a British accent for hours after viewing.
  • Even more concerning than the terrible faux accent is that I find myself wondering why I can’t have servants to bring me breakfast in bed every morning.  Just when I thought my GMA mornings were spoiling me, I realize I can always hope for more.
  • I now address Terry as “My Lordship”
  • Those gowns!  I want them.  All.  Even the black mourning gowns.
  • I want to put my life on hold in order to get caught up to season 2.   I just need one day, a pot of tea, scones, lemon curd, and possibly one beaded gown to get the job done.  And my accent, of course.
  • Terry loves it too!  I totally did not see that coming.   This just enables said obsession.
  • Dame Maggie Smith cracks me up.  The majority of her previous performances have always intimidated me, so I didn’t anticipate giggling during most of her scenes.

Thus, thank you sweet friends for encouraging me to watch.  I can’t tell you how happy I am to have something else to talk about besides The Bachelor.  I know you are going to throw Jersey Shore in my face for that one.  But it is true.  No one finds love on reality TV.  72 days.  Need I say more?