Can't Fit into My Mommy Genes

Month: November, 2011

Is There a Doctor in the House?

I don’t have a doctor. Like a regular internal medicine, go to when you are sick, doctor. I have like 5 specialists, but no one that will do a physical.

I should probably get one before I get pregnant, huh?

Shamefully, I always rely on my brother and sister-in-law (ENT/oncologist respectively) when I feel down.

I think the time has come to search for someone (people with United Healthcare in the Houston area feel free to refer) that can be on the roster for an annual checkup.

Then maybe that person can find me a great pediatrician ūüôā


Spotted: Blair Waldorf Pregnant

Gossip Girl is one of my favorite shows.¬† For those of you that aren’t familiar with it, it’s the story of a handful of privileged high school/college age children from New York City’s Upper East Side.¬† They are magically the most popular people in New York City.¬† Because of this great burden, they are constantly watched and reported on by the omnipresent “Gossip Girl”.¬† Her website is linked to every phone in the Tri-state area, so when she reports on this chosen few, the whole East Coast knows about it.

So basically it is just a better version of the early 90’s 90210.¬† That’s right.¬† I said it.

Given that the show is set in one of the most fashion forward cities in the world, the clothes are one of the biggest reasons people watch the show.  Chuck Bass is probably the second and only reason people watch the show besides the clothes.

That brings us to my point:¬† Blaire Waldorf, who shares the role of female protaganist, is pregnant!¬† Not only¬†might it be Chuck’s baby (it totally is.¬† I feel it in my bones), but she has access to all of the greatest maternity clothes known to man.

Why screen writers, could you not have waited utnil next season to make her pregnant?!!  Then I could have copied her outfits and literally eaten bon bons while indulging in this Monday night majesty.  At the risk of sounding completely creepy, I am totally bummed that this fictional character and I could not be pregnant together.

See this is what happens when most of your friends are still single.  You resort to your made up friends to share experiences with.

Alas, I will just have to document her outfits to the best of my ability.¬†¬†This will be a slight challenge for two reasons:¬† a) the actress that plays her isn’t really pregant therefore creating an unrealistic image of pregnancy b) her character isn’t married yet (to the Prince of Monaco!! squeal!!), so they have to hide her bump for a while.¬† PS:¬† The Grimaldi’s were really nice to allow this much creative license.¬† I guess that is how you compete with Kate Middleton.

Kate Middleton! I just realized that maybe she and I can be pregnant together?!  Upgrade!

Christmas Cards

Christmas cards have always been one of my most favorite parts of the holiday season.  I love getting updates on everyone we know (you make the nice list if you include both a picture AND a letter).

This year I decided to use Tiny Prints to make our cards because everyone else has had so much success with them in the past. ¬†The previous two years I hired someone to do our holiday greetings, and they ended up looking exactly like everyone that uses Tiny Prints. ¬†Third time’s the charm, eh?

Although I might be saving money, I’m not sure it is actually worth the hassle. ¬†After spending 3 hours on their piece of crap website, I still haven’t been able to physically route my order to the shopping cart. ¬†You would think that would be the one part they made sure worked. ¬†Not only that, the website has crashed numerous times (resulting in a $10 off coupon using the code 10TP75 btdub). ¬†I’m assuming this has something to do with the whole Cyber Monday/Thanksgiving is over I better get my Christmas cards out internet traffic, so I won’t cease and desist just yet. ¬†It isn’t all Tiny Prints fault that I thrive on a deadline.

I do know I really enjoyed designing the card this year. ¬†Mainly because I love looking at myself.¬† We had so many fun pictures to chose from! ¬†We are looking at only one more year of just me & Terry pictures which is really hard to believe. ¬†I couldn’t help but browse through the new baby cards just to see what I was in for. ¬†Don’t worry, I promptly judged most of them afterwards.

Hooray for the holiday season!

Happy Turkey Day!

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope everyone enjoys their day with family and friends.

This year I’m thankful for all of my readers!

The Puke Test

So I “tested” Terry a little earlier than expected.

I ate something bad yesterday afternoon and came home from work feeling terrible.¬† I had just made it up the stairs to the kitchen, and before I really realized what was happening -I was puking all over the floor.¬† In the words of my niece, Lucy, “I’m spillin!”

Note:  The bathroom was like 5 feet away from me.

Poor Terry had to clean it up off the floor.  Between periodically running upstairs for fresh air and using almost an entire roll of paper towels, he managed to take care of the situation with complete grace and tact.

He did shout angrily that if I didn’t tell the restaruant, he would.

Of course he knows I would rather him call anyway, so that wasn’t much of a threat.

Next time I’ll try¬†a little something easier out on him.


Lunch Date

Before my life was put on hold by a mind numbing illness, I had a lunch date with the my mom, sister, sister-in-law, niece, and nephew. Nordstrom had never seen such cuteness.

I had planned to write this post about how I was late to lunch (because I was on a conference call that would. not. stop.), and how my mom made it very clear to me that toddlers wait for no one to eat.

But then my sister-in-law, Maggie, gave me the most brilliant idea ever.

It all started as Lucy’s (my niece) food arrived to the table. Maggie immediately took the plate, started to cut up the food, and then held the plate away from Lucy until she knew it wasn’t too hot to eat. Maggie then commented that this was one way my life would change – in that I would never just get to dive into my food until the kids had their’s in front of them. Even then, it is hard to get your food down peacefully when you don’t have a doting grandmother and two aunts around.

Then the brilliance struck: She joked I should perform such acts on Terry and see how he reacted to it all. I love the idea of me just grabbing his plate at a restaurant and cutting his food into bite size pieces. He will freak.


So we decided to think of other ways to test Terry to see if he can cut the mustard as a new parent. They are as follows:

  • help him dress
  • wipe his nose
  • clean out his ears
  • wipe his face and hands after he eats
  • serve him with a sippy cup
  • ask him if he has to go potty (this one I would love to do while surrounded by his friends)
  • carry toys and snacks in my purse for him

As I get away with executing the above list, I will document my expereiences. Cleaning his ears will by far be the hardest.


Viva La Wine Country

I don’t have a giant extended family.¬† My parents each have one sibling, and they each have two children –¬†so I have four cousins total.¬† Two boys and two girls.¬† How symmetrical is my family?!

Allow me to introduce you to the oldest cousin in the family.¬† His name is Rod Harris, and he is arguably the coolest guy that ever lived.¬† He is fourteen years older than I am, so naturally I’ve thought him the bees knees since I was capable of forming thoughts.¬† In the 80’s he could have been JFK Junior’s body double with his crazy curly hair and tall striped tube socks.¬† Today he resides in Denver (sans tube socks)¬†and is a sommelier.¬† That’s right, he drinks wine for a living.¬†¬†Not only that, he is self taught fluent in spanish.¬† coolest guy ever.

Well, my mother approaches me this weekend and says that she and my dad are thinking about taking a trip to South America.¬† They have invited Rod to come and lead them through the wine country.¬† They aren’t paying for our way (damn!!!), but if we can figure out how to get there then¬†we are more than welcome to join.

I’ll sell myself for this trip.¬† I’m confident Terry would too.

I pleaded with her to make sure we get it on the books before September 2012.¬† Hell hath no furry like a pregnant woman who can’t participate in that wine tour.


Home Sick Part 2

I’m home again from work today.

I decided to make a list of all the perks of being home with nothing to do. I feel confident I will look back on this day with longing later on in life. Even though my entire body aches, and I want to rip open my sinuses and empty them myself.

  • I got to watch live Regis Philbin’s last episode of LIVE! with Regis & Kelly. This show has always been a favorite of mine, even though I never get to see it. I associate it warmly with the days I was home with my mom growing up.
  • I got to cry snotty tears at the sentimental parts of the show. And no one was here to judge me.
  • I ate a cupcake for breakfast from a bakery I had been wanting to try. I scraped off 2/3 off the frosting, so it was basically like a muffin. A delightfully yummy raspberry almond ricotta muffin.
  • For the second day in a row, I got to stroll into my neighborhood gas station and take part in their delightfully good coffee bar. 99 cents for the best cup of coffee within walking distance of my house. Sure, I have to speak spanish to order what I want, but it keeps you on your toes.
  • I get puppy kisses from Louis all day. Especially when I’m crying snotty tears at the TV.
  • I have the luxury to decide if I want to attack the stack of magazines that has built up over the last couple of weeks. I still don’t feel like reading anything, but I’m hopeful the energy will come to me. I can at least look at the pictures.
  • The cast of Twilight is on Ellen today!
  • I’m finally caught up on all of my recorded TV. [Side note: After watching the CMA awards, I was actually jealous that Erin Andrews and David Freese might start dating. I realize I have no claim to him (other than the fact we went to high school together), but I still don’t think I want him dating Erin Andrews. Not sure why but I think it has something to do with the fact she is totally cooler than me.]
  • Elisabeth Hasslebeck taught me to stand up to bullies this morning on The View. I’m not sure how this is applicable to my life, but advice from someone who took down Rosie O’Donnell is always welcome.
  • I found out that Cam from Modern Family isn’t really gay! Impressive!

I hope everyone stays healthy and has a wonderful weekend!

Home Sick

I’m home from work today. This sinus infection has gotten the best of me.

Instead of going to earn money, I spent $100 on a trip to the Walgreens Take Care Clinic because my new insurance isn’t effective until 12/1/11. Then I called Marc (my brother, the head and neck surgeon) who told me that was a huge waste of time and money. He called in a better prescription and told me never to consider a nurse practitioner again. No offense intended, Walgreens Take Care Clinic.

The sad part is, I knew this already but I just felt so bad that I couldn’t make any better decisions. The hope of a steroid shot drove me to do dumb things.

Then I came home and made coffee with milk that had gone bad. I didn’t know the milk was bad though because I COULDN’T SMELL IT.

Now I’m sitting here desperately trying to tie all of this into my baby bucket list, but all I can manage to think of is how glad I am I don’t have anyone else to worry about right now.

So I guess this means I’m off to sleep. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow to write about something besides my sinus infection.

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Sinuses,

Why do you hate me!?  I have been so faithful to wash you out with that God forsaken saline wash.  I take my allergy pill everyday, and I wash my hands to the point of cracking skin.   I even got my flu shot on top of my monthly allergy shots.  There is no reason I should feel as crappy as I do right now.   Please get your act together ASAP.



Everyone annoys me when I’m sick. ¬†Even my sweet niece and nephew who don’t mean any harm at all. ¬†My already short fuse becomes almost non existent the minute I feel bad. ¬†Sunday my head was pouring snot, and I really couldn’t be surrounded by people anymore. ¬†I tried my hardest to sit and watch “Punzel” (Tangled) with Lucy, but she was too wound up. ¬†So I did what any self respecting 28 year old non-mom would do – I totally bailed because I needed piece and quiet. ¬†Anyone who can lay still, only speak when spoken to, and watch E! with me all day is invited to my pity party. ¬†If you can’t follow those simple rules, then you can’t be in my presence when I’m sick. ¬†Even if you are the cutest niece and nephew in the world.

I cannot even imagine what it would be like to be sick and be a mom. ¬†I think it quite literally has to be the closest thing to hell on earth. ¬†My sister-in-law, Maggie, alerted me you shouldn’t be under the influence of large doses of Benadryl because you need to be alert.

Then what is Terry for?! ¬†Isn’t that why you don’t get knocked up?! ¬†So you can have a two man tag team for emergencies just like his one!?

I really don’t see how there is room for change when it comes to this matter. ¬†Surely I have options. ¬†Hire a babysitter for the day? ¬†Call my mom in for back up? ¬†Call Maggie?! ¬†Give everyone large doses of benadryl?! ¬†Please note the hysteria in my tone right now.